So far so good at this regular blog use thing, eh? I actually started this entry on July 3 if that counts for anything.
What have I been up to?
I didn't really like True Detective. This was typed before anyone was saying how much they hated Season 2. I was actually really scared to say that out loud for about 4 episodes. But now that everyone else is on board...I STARTED IT!
"When is New York Fleek Week?" This is a fun pun that I find hilarious and is generally greeted with a multitude of rolling eyes. All from the same person. That person has many eyes and is a monster. No reason for this portion of the blog.
I have officially gone back to work which is the cause of my absence. You think a few weeks is bad? Wait until pilot season when I give the blog up for adoption at a high kill shelter.
I was helping at another office on a bank heist film. It was enlightening and has reaffirmed my love for comedy television casting. Now i'm back at my real job where every now and again I get to audition men without shirts and all is right in the world. (Unfortunately I do not work on shows where this is the regular)
Oh. I've had a cough for roughly 3000 months. Allergic to my environment. Turns out that's a REAL diagnosis. 6 doctors later and that's the best we can do. I'm going for my first allergy test next week. I fully expect to be allergic to happiness and dancing and friendship and all food because I don't know what else I've been doing that would cause this. OH! I guess I could be allergic to extremely low income?
Speaking of food, 31 has really put the kibosh on my metabolism. 31 isn't into it. 31 is all about weight gain and having to buy pants in bigger sizes despite how much work you put into it (i'm not saying i'm putting in any work, but if i WERE, I can sense it still wouldn't be into it). The scale has put me in a less than positive place. I sit around and chunk up the fat and see how much cellulite I can make. Super fun game. Here's the kicker! I was actually terribly ill for about 5 days last week. In my heyday this would have easily brought me to 115. Just a really beautiful round number that I miss seeing on my drivers license. I GAINED WEIGHT! I did not eat. I could barely drink water. I vomited to my hearts content. AND I GAINED. 31 is taking a hard pass on keeping me desirable.
Ok, midnight musings...thanks for keeping me company.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Please update your records
I need to air a grievance about my apartment building. This has nothing to do with the fact that they raise my rent every 2 months (i've asked for legal consult on this because I don't know my own rights).
This doesn't have to do with the bathtub that has been leaking into my kitchen and causing parts of ceiling to fall down into my food.
This doesn't have to do with that time our toilet would explode every time we tried to flush it and the onsite manager said I was doing it wrong and came into my apartment to potty train me. "Ok honey. now this is how you flush a toilet." and while he pressed down for the most gentle flush, the toilet water Old Geyser'd him in the face while I sang "God Bless America" and applauded his very helpful lesson.
This barely has anything to do with the fact that my car has been broken into twice and the landlord suggested I park on the street (oh by the way, I pay for parking in my building) to avoid this happening again, which I did and it resulted in the 3rd break-in (this time going for the big guns and shattering every window in my car so they could steal a Britney Spears CD. Jokes on them. I also had it on itunes! Sucker!).
This doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that my landlord is probably the most condescending asshole I've ever met and he doesn't know that the maintenance man and I have club meetings to make fun of him and his stupidity. I'm president, but we are looking for a VP because Ephraim ran for (and won) Treasurer. We complain over text so it requires 0 effort or clothing.
It's because I got THIS in my mailbox. Updated. Thanks.
This doesn't have to do with the bathtub that has been leaking into my kitchen and causing parts of ceiling to fall down into my food.
This doesn't have to do with that time our toilet would explode every time we tried to flush it and the onsite manager said I was doing it wrong and came into my apartment to potty train me. "Ok honey. now this is how you flush a toilet." and while he pressed down for the most gentle flush, the toilet water Old Geyser'd him in the face while I sang "God Bless America" and applauded his very helpful lesson.
This barely has anything to do with the fact that my car has been broken into twice and the landlord suggested I park on the street (oh by the way, I pay for parking in my building) to avoid this happening again, which I did and it resulted in the 3rd break-in (this time going for the big guns and shattering every window in my car so they could steal a Britney Spears CD. Jokes on them. I also had it on itunes! Sucker!).
This doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that my landlord is probably the most condescending asshole I've ever met and he doesn't know that the maintenance man and I have club meetings to make fun of him and his stupidity. I'm president, but we are looking for a VP because Ephraim ran for (and won) Treasurer. We complain over text so it requires 0 effort or clothing.
It's because I got THIS in my mailbox. Updated. Thanks.
(that is not my address. do not send delicious treats and stunning bouquets here.)
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Things to do + Money to spend
In case anyone else is in a hiatus slump, here are some activities that I have found to be great time-fillers. I'll call this section: Great Time-Fillers.
Did you know there is a show about buying your own island? Did you know I renamed it "Buy an entire island for less than the rent of my Los Angeles 2br apartment"? This show is on all day and I watch it so I can make fun of the people who have my dream life. I could live in a home (editor's note: there are no actual buildings on these islands. You are buying sand and water. I've just realized the catch.) where my neighbor wasn't a Swedish male masseuse who had a strictly male client base who all made non massage-like noises that permeated the paper thin walls of said expensive apartment. He was very nice. He recently moved to a Nordic country and I still get his mail.
Organize your underwear drawer. I have an underwear addiction. If there was a support group, I'd bring donuts (and simultaneously eat all the donuts). When I say organize, I'm not talking the rational Spring Cleaning route. No. Last week I took a healthy chunk of my day to color coordinate my underwear. THAT kind of organizing, friends. This is both time consuming and completely impractical. I undid all that great work almost immediately. But it was fun, and kept me busy, and I took pictures of the whole process, and those pictures looked really pretty in a .gif I made later. It's also a great reminder that I am 31 years old and I still own underwear that look like this.
Which brings me to my next section: Stuff to Spend Your Money On.
Buy a pair of kid's "Frozen" undies as a metaphor for your vagina. (I'm kidding. It's very warm.) In fact, buy 2 so you can give a matching pair to your friend who also suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome.
Extra credit: Have that friend (because she owes you now) film you singing Let It Go in the new undies so you have a great 3 minute 45 second video of yourself in your heyday. It will also serve it's purpose down the line when you threaten to play it at your future-childrens' birthday party if they ever misbehave.
Buy a carton of eggs for breakfast and a minute into starting the scrambling process, walk away because your phone dinged (HUMAN LIFE?) and then forget about those eggs for nearly 3 hours because you rediscovered Angry Birds. Walk back into the kitchen for coffee, because now you're tired from all that finger exertion, then throw away those eggs to get the biceps involved. There's no need for a visual in this situation but I'm adding one because I keep tape in my kitchen and I'm looking for sponsors.
Go to Target. An easy way to kill hours and spend millions.
Try a variety of $18-$22 workout classes when you already have a very expensive 1 year package for unlimited dance classes at one studio, a package for 20 classes at a different studio, and a 9 year gym membership that you haven't touched in 7. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except dinner. Dinner tastes good. I miss it.
Did you know there is a show about buying your own island? Did you know I renamed it "Buy an entire island for less than the rent of my Los Angeles 2br apartment"? This show is on all day and I watch it so I can make fun of the people who have my dream life. I could live in a home (editor's note: there are no actual buildings on these islands. You are buying sand and water. I've just realized the catch.) where my neighbor wasn't a Swedish male masseuse who had a strictly male client base who all made non massage-like noises that permeated the paper thin walls of said expensive apartment. He was very nice. He recently moved to a Nordic country and I still get his mail.
Organize your underwear drawer. I have an underwear addiction. If there was a support group, I'd bring donuts (and simultaneously eat all the donuts). When I say organize, I'm not talking the rational Spring Cleaning route. No. Last week I took a healthy chunk of my day to color coordinate my underwear. THAT kind of organizing, friends. This is both time consuming and completely impractical. I undid all that great work almost immediately. But it was fun, and kept me busy, and I took pictures of the whole process, and those pictures looked really pretty in a .gif I made later. It's also a great reminder that I am 31 years old and I still own underwear that look like this.
(Random sampling)
Buy a pair of kid's "Frozen" undies as a metaphor for your vagina. (I'm kidding. It's very warm.) In fact, buy 2 so you can give a matching pair to your friend who also suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome.
Extra credit: Have that friend (because she owes you now) film you singing Let It Go in the new undies so you have a great 3 minute 45 second video of yourself in your heyday. It will also serve it's purpose down the line when you threaten to play it at your future-childrens' birthday party if they ever misbehave.
Buy a carton of eggs for breakfast and a minute into starting the scrambling process, walk away because your phone dinged (HUMAN LIFE?) and then forget about those eggs for nearly 3 hours because you rediscovered Angry Birds. Walk back into the kitchen for coffee, because now you're tired from all that finger exertion, then throw away those eggs to get the biceps involved. There's no need for a visual in this situation but I'm adding one because I keep tape in my kitchen and I'm looking for sponsors.
(c) Scotch
Go to Target. An easy way to kill hours and spend millions.
Try a variety of $18-$22 workout classes when you already have a very expensive 1 year package for unlimited dance classes at one studio, a package for 20 classes at a different studio, and a 9 year gym membership that you haven't touched in 7. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except dinner. Dinner tastes good. I miss it.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Maurice
I should start by saying, my name is not Maurice. First entry out the gate and I'm breaking the cardinal rule of marketing yourself. This is the equivalent of meeting me at a party (let's pretend, for the sake of this example, that I get invited to parties) and me handing you a business card for someone else entirely. Which brings me to my second anecdote, I've never had a business card.
Thirdly, I speak heavily in parenthetical. Let me clarify. I use parentheses in both my writing and my every day conversation. I don't go so far as to use air-parentheses mid-speech (think air quotes, but parenthesis. pointer and thumb. leave the middle finger out of this party.) That would be absurd. I bet you just tried making air-parentheses though. Back on point. I think and eventually vocalize in parentheses. (I was paid $1.00 by (c)Parenthesis for each time I used variations of the word parenthesis.) Here's a diagram:
I have a thought > I say it > I immediately have an additional thought that usually provides no useful content toward original thought but it makes me laugh because I am my biggest fan > I say it
That font makes it look scientific but there is no research to backup these findings. For the purpose of this blog, I will only use parentheses ($8) in my writing. If you see me in real life, no promises.
I've had blogs before. I was actually quite successful with a few. Please make note that my version of successful means that I updated them regularly. They literally got 0 traffic. One blog was truly just pictures of myself because that is the key to curing low self esteem. I considered it a fashion blog which is comical for so many reasons. The other was a LiveJournal I kept throughout high school and college...when I accidentally found the link several years later and read 2 painful entries, I immediately swallowed the password and compartmentalized it in a small sack amongst my innards that prohibited it from passing through my digestive system because I never want to revisit the content within those young adult-riddled walls again. Also, if I have an ulcer later in life, Doctor's - please find that password and rip it the shit out of me.
3 hours later: Why have I started another blog? A few reasons.
1. My boss told me I should start writing. She said I'm funny and I will take any compliment I can get. My father is a television writer and it sounded like the worst job in the world when I was a kid. So much work! As an adult, I've noticed that writing has grown on me...but mostly in the form of Facebook statuses, tweets, and Instagram captions. It's easy to be mildly entertaining in 2 sentences, but writing full length anythings and still keeping that delightful/charming wit of mine will be a challenge.
2. My friend started one. Seriously. I'm not an independent thinker. Shoutout!
3. I'm currently on hiatus. Hiatus is a cute word the entertainment industry uses instead of unemployment. Unemployment doesn't sound fancy and rich and Jennifer Aniston-y. When we have downtime in between projects, we go on hiatus. A glorious tropical vacation with coconut waters and palm tree fans, while MOST IMPORTANTLY remaining desirable and successful in our field. I have been full-blown sitting on my couch, eating raw orzo (whole wheat. staying healthy.) watching marathons (yes, more than one) of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives', and making no money since April. I needed a creative outlet and nobody else wanted penne necklaces! Which brings me to...
4. I'm bored. Very bored. I need to stop refreshing my social media accounts every 3 seconds because I feel like the phone rays are burying themselves into my body and causing long term damage. Did I mention I'm a crazy person? I'm also lazy. (reminder to self: use this paragraph for Tinder profile)
I feel like the protocol is generally 3 solid reasons. I gave you 4 because I am an overachiever.
I was going to call this blog Cheese and Flannel which is unabashedly a blatant ripoff of blog elite Cupcakes and Cashmere, then edited to fit a lumberjack. I am that lumberjack. I eat cheese, I wear flannel, and coming up with an original blog name is hard. Instead, I am going with a cool riff off my last name that I came up with when I was a pretty brilliant toddler*
(*At 2 years old I couldn't pronounce my last name)
Off to a good start!
Thirdly, I speak heavily in parenthetical. Let me clarify. I use parentheses in both my writing and my every day conversation. I don't go so far as to use air-parentheses mid-speech (think air quotes, but parenthesis. pointer and thumb. leave the middle finger out of this party.) That would be absurd. I bet you just tried making air-parentheses though. Back on point. I think and eventually vocalize in parentheses. (I was paid $1.00 by (c)Parenthesis for each time I used variations of the word parenthesis.) Here's a diagram:
I have a thought > I say it > I immediately have an additional thought that usually provides no useful content toward original thought but it makes me laugh because I am my biggest fan > I say it
That font makes it look scientific but there is no research to backup these findings. For the purpose of this blog, I will only use parentheses ($8) in my writing. If you see me in real life, no promises.
I've had blogs before. I was actually quite successful with a few. Please make note that my version of successful means that I updated them regularly. They literally got 0 traffic. One blog was truly just pictures of myself because that is the key to curing low self esteem. I considered it a fashion blog which is comical for so many reasons. The other was a LiveJournal I kept throughout high school and college...when I accidentally found the link several years later and read 2 painful entries, I immediately swallowed the password and compartmentalized it in a small sack amongst my innards that prohibited it from passing through my digestive system because I never want to revisit the content within those young adult-riddled walls again. Also, if I have an ulcer later in life, Doctor's - please find that password and rip it the shit out of me.
3 hours later: Why have I started another blog? A few reasons.
1. My boss told me I should start writing. She said I'm funny and I will take any compliment I can get. My father is a television writer and it sounded like the worst job in the world when I was a kid. So much work! As an adult, I've noticed that writing has grown on me...but mostly in the form of Facebook statuses, tweets, and Instagram captions. It's easy to be mildly entertaining in 2 sentences, but writing full length anythings and still keeping that delightful/charming wit of mine will be a challenge.
2. My friend started one. Seriously. I'm not an independent thinker. Shoutout!
3. I'm currently on hiatus. Hiatus is a cute word the entertainment industry uses instead of unemployment. Unemployment doesn't sound fancy and rich and Jennifer Aniston-y. When we have downtime in between projects, we go on hiatus. A glorious tropical vacation with coconut waters and palm tree fans, while MOST IMPORTANTLY remaining desirable and successful in our field. I have been full-blown sitting on my couch, eating raw orzo (whole wheat. staying healthy.) watching marathons (yes, more than one) of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives', and making no money since April. I needed a creative outlet and nobody else wanted penne necklaces! Which brings me to...
4. I'm bored. Very bored. I need to stop refreshing my social media accounts every 3 seconds because I feel like the phone rays are burying themselves into my body and causing long term damage. Did I mention I'm a crazy person? I'm also lazy. (reminder to self: use this paragraph for Tinder profile)
I feel like the protocol is generally 3 solid reasons. I gave you 4 because I am an overachiever.
I was going to call this blog Cheese and Flannel which is unabashedly a blatant ripoff of blog elite Cupcakes and Cashmere, then edited to fit a lumberjack. I am that lumberjack. I eat cheese, I wear flannel, and coming up with an original blog name is hard. Instead, I am going with a cool riff off my last name that I came up with when I was a pretty brilliant toddler*
(*At 2 years old I couldn't pronounce my last name)
Off to a good start!
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