Maurice

I should start by saying, my name is not Maurice. First entry out the gate and I'm breaking the cardinal rule of marketing yourself. This is the equivalent of meeting me at a party (let's pretend, for the sake of this example, that I get invited to parties) and me handing you a business card for someone else entirely. Which brings me to my second anecdote, I've never had a business card.

Thirdly, I speak heavily in parenthetical. Let me clarify. I use parentheses in both my writing and my every day conversation. I don't go so far as to use air-parentheses mid-speech (think air quotes, but parenthesis. pointer and thumb. leave the middle finger out of this party.) That would be absurd. I bet you just tried making air-parentheses though. Back on point. I think and eventually vocalize in parentheses. (I was paid $1.00 by (c)Parenthesis for each time I used variations of the word parenthesis.) Here's a diagram:

I have a thought > I say it > I immediately have an additional thought that usually provides no useful content toward original thought but it makes me laugh because I am my biggest fan > I say it

That font makes it look scientific but there is no research to backup these findings. For the purpose of this blog, I will only use parentheses ($8) in my writing. If you see me in real life, no promises.

I've had blogs before. I was actually quite successful with a few. Please make note that my version of successful means that I updated them regularly. They literally got 0 traffic. One blog was truly just pictures of myself because that is the key to curing low self esteem. I considered it a fashion blog which is comical for so many reasons. The other was a LiveJournal I kept throughout high school and college...when I accidentally found the link several years later and read 2 painful entries, I immediately swallowed the password and compartmentalized it in a small sack amongst my innards that prohibited it from passing through my digestive system because I never want to revisit the content within those young adult-riddled walls again. Also, if I have an ulcer later in life, Doctor's - please find that password and rip it the shit out of me.

3 hours later: Why have I started another blog? A few reasons.

1. My boss told me I should start writing. She said I'm funny and I will take any compliment I can get. My father is a television writer and it sounded like the worst job in the world when I was a kid. So much work! As an adult, I've noticed that writing has grown on me...but mostly in the form of Facebook statuses, tweets, and Instagram captions. It's easy to be mildly entertaining in 2 sentences, but writing full length anythings and still keeping that delightful/charming wit of mine will be a challenge.

2. My friend started one. Seriously. I'm not an independent thinker. Shoutout!

3. I'm currently on hiatus. Hiatus is a cute word the entertainment industry uses instead of unemployment. Unemployment doesn't sound fancy and rich and Jennifer Aniston-y. When we have downtime in between projects, we go on hiatus. A glorious tropical vacation with coconut waters and palm tree fans, while MOST IMPORTANTLY remaining desirable and successful in our field. I have been full-blown sitting on my couch, eating raw orzo (whole wheat. staying healthy.) watching marathons (yes, more than one) of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives', and making no money since April. I needed a creative outlet and nobody else wanted penne necklaces! Which brings me to...

4. I'm bored. Very bored. I need to stop refreshing my social media accounts every 3 seconds because I feel like the phone rays are burying themselves into my body and causing long term damage. Did I mention I'm a crazy person? I'm also lazy. (reminder to self: use this paragraph for Tinder profile)

I feel like the protocol is generally 3 solid reasons. I gave you 4 because I am an overachiever.

I was going to call this blog Cheese and Flannel which is unabashedly a blatant ripoff of blog elite Cupcakes and Cashmere, then edited to fit a lumberjack. I am that lumberjack. I eat cheese, I wear flannel, and coming up with an original blog name is hard. Instead, I am going with a cool riff off my last name that I came up with when I was a pretty brilliant toddler*

(*At 2 years old I couldn't pronounce my last name)

Off to a good start!