Did you know there is a show about buying your own island? Did you know I renamed it "Buy an entire island for less than the rent of my Los Angeles 2br apartment"? This show is on all day and I watch it so I can make fun of the people who have my dream life. I could live in a home (editor's note: there are no actual buildings on these islands. You are buying sand and water. I've just realized the catch.) where my neighbor wasn't a Swedish male masseuse who had a strictly male client base who all made non massage-like noises that permeated the paper thin walls of said expensive apartment. He was very nice. He recently moved to a Nordic country and I still get his mail.
Organize your underwear drawer. I have an underwear addiction. If there was a support group, I'd bring donuts (and simultaneously eat all the donuts). When I say organize, I'm not talking the rational Spring Cleaning route. No. Last week I took a healthy chunk of my day to color coordinate my underwear. THAT kind of organizing, friends. This is both time consuming and completely impractical. I undid all that great work almost immediately. But it was fun, and kept me busy, and I took pictures of the whole process, and those pictures looked really pretty in a .gif I made later. It's also a great reminder that I am 31 years old and I still own underwear that look like this.
(Random sampling)
Buy a pair of kid's "Frozen" undies as a metaphor for your vagina. (I'm kidding. It's very warm.) In fact, buy 2 so you can give a matching pair to your friend who also suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome.
Extra credit: Have that friend (because she owes you now) film you singing Let It Go in the new undies so you have a great 3 minute 45 second video of yourself in your heyday. It will also serve it's purpose down the line when you threaten to play it at your future-childrens' birthday party if they ever misbehave.
Buy a carton of eggs for breakfast and a minute into starting the scrambling process, walk away because your phone dinged (HUMAN LIFE?) and then forget about those eggs for nearly 3 hours because you rediscovered Angry Birds. Walk back into the kitchen for coffee, because now you're tired from all that finger exertion, then throw away those eggs to get the biceps involved. There's no need for a visual in this situation but I'm adding one because I keep tape in my kitchen and I'm looking for sponsors.
(c) Scotch
Go to Target. An easy way to kill hours and spend millions.
Try a variety of $18-$22 workout classes when you already have a very expensive 1 year package for unlimited dance classes at one studio, a package for 20 classes at a different studio, and a 9 year gym membership that you haven't touched in 7. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except dinner. Dinner tastes good. I miss it.
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